Phil, John Mark McMillan, and I have an odd connection. Phil didn’t wasn’t part of the Scott Hall Room 102 roomies when Marcus, Caleb, Riley, and I lived there for our first three years of college. But Phil might as well have been considering a roommate due to all the time he spent down in our dorm. Phil lived elsewhere in Scott Hall for two years. Marcus and I got to know Phil's roommates well enough that when senior year came around and we were shuffling around rooms, two of us 102ers joined two of Phil’s old roommates in a new room. Room 306. One of Phil's former roommates was Scott Olson (same last name, no relation).
Scott and I carpooled to church every Sunday morning that year. Scott always drove, and he always played John Mark McMillan on the short drives to and from service. very likely would not have gotten to know Scott without Phil. At least not well enough to be roommates. I almost definitely would not have listened to as much John Mark McMillan as I have.
One of McMillan’s most famous songs is How He Loves. But the original full version is much less frequently played. For context, McMillan wrote this song while grieving the death of a best friend, Stephen, who died in an automobile accident. This song is the result of McMillan’s wrestle with God following the tragic event that left him shocked, angry, resentful, and frustrated. It is an exploration of the relationship between a holy God, and sinful man. A conversation with a God who loves us, redeems us, sustains us, despite our fallen nature due to sin.
McMillan says, "The love I'm singing about in that song is not a pretty, clean, it's not a Hollywood hot-pink love. It's a kind of love that's willing to love things that are messy and willing to love even the difficult and sort of, you know, kind of gross kind of things." McMillan is singing about a God who loves us, even when we don't love him in our circumstances. God's love pursues after us, even in the depths of our anger and frustration towards him.
Music is funny sometimes. It has that odd ability to deeply relate to your circumstances, capturing more than just words could ever do. Music can help give clarity to the jumble of emotions inside. It can represent what your heart and mind have been feeling but unable to find. Those goods times, when you're driving with your windows rolled down on a cool summer evening, shortly after a thunderstorm has rolled throw making everything a little extra fresh, just vibing along to music on the radio. Those bad times, when your mind is numb, your heart aches, and you're just trying to get through the day, comforted by music letting you know you're not alone in these experiences.
How He Loves was a song that I had always enjoyed, but hit me differently following Phil's death. Whenever I hear the original full version’s final verse, I have to pause what I'm doing, bite on my tongue, and feel the tears begin to build behind my eyes. The pain of McMillan's grief is unmistakable. It's a pain I'm aware of and can't forget. The final verse in the full version is the following:
Sometimes it is really easy to feel that sting of grief and ask, “God, why didn’t you do something?”. But then I get an answer. God loves us, so he did do something. Through Jesus Christ dying on the cross for my sins, I can have everlasting faith, hope, and joy in a good God. It doesn't seem fair that someone would die right when they're moving out of school and starting to make an impact full-time the community around them. I think the world could use more people like Phil. But I know that God's character is unchanging. He is still loving, gracious, and merciful, despite times of agony.